Vayishlach תרמ”ב
במדרש קטנתי איני כדאי וחד אמר כדאי אני כו’. וקשה א”כ מאי קטנתי. רק הפירוש לפי רוב החסדים שעשה עמו השי”ת הוא קטן כענין שנאמר וסביביו נשערה מאוד. והעומדין לפניו ית’ במרום אין להם כלל מציאות בפ”ע מגודל הביטול אליו ית’. ולפי התרוממות שהרים השי”ת ליעקב אבינו שעשאו כביכול מרכבה אליו ית’ לכן קטנתי. וז”ש כדאי אני פי’ דאיתא אדם ובהמה תושיע ה’ שערומים בדעת כאדם ומשימין עצמם כבהמה. ופרשנו במ”א הענין שיש מדריגות רבות זו למעלה מזו ויש עולמות שבחי’ בהמה למעלה מאדם שלמטה [וכענין שרמזו חז”ל אם הראשונים כבני אדם אנו כחמורים כו’] ומי שיש לו דעת כאדם יודע ומכיר רבונו ומבקש להיות עולה אליו ית’ ומבטל הדעת שבו כענין שנאמר בהמות הייתי עמך. ובודאי הי’ ליעקב אע”ה כמה עצות נגד עשו. אבל ביקש מאתו ית’ שלא יצטרך להפסיק מדביקות עליון לחפש עצות כענין שביקש דוד המע”ה אחת שאלתי מאת ה’ כו’:
The Midrash on the pasuk “I have become small – קטנתי because of all the kindness and truth that You have done with Your servant” brings two opinions. One opinion is that Yaakov was saying that he is not worthy, and the other opinion is that Yaakov was saying that he is worthy. According to the second opinion, how does he explain the word קטנתי, which sounds more like Yaakov is saying he is not worthy?
We can explain the idea as follows: Yaakov was saying that he had reached such an elevated level of even being a “chariot for the holy throne of Hashem”. However, this comes with a price, as our sages explain (Tehillim 50:3), “Around Him, it is very fiery,” meaning that the higher a person’s level is, the more accountability he has, even a slight mistake is extremely costly. Therefore, those standing before Hashem on the highest levels don’t have any existence of their own; they are completely nullified to Hashem. Therefore, Yaakov was saying that due to the high level that he attained, he “has become small” and was completely nullified to Hashem.
This idea can be found also in the pasuk (Tehillim 36:7), “A man and an animal, Hashem will save.” The gemara (Chulin 5b) explains that this is referring to people who are clever like man, yet they make themselves out to be like animals. The concept of animals is that they do not have intellect. We have explained elsewhere (See Bamidbar תרמ”א ד”ה במדרש אל) that this world is made of layers, levels upon levels. This means that there is an element of “animal” that is even higher than that of man. It is the concept of man’s nullification of his desire and intellect to that of Hashem. This is what is referred to in Tehillim “People who have intellect, yet make themselves be like animals,” that they nullify themselves to Hashem.
Therefore, this is what Yaakov was saying, that he was “small” and nullified to Hashem. Yaakov definitely had several ideas of how to tackle the problem of Eisav, yet he requested of Hashem that nothing should interrupt him from the connection – דביקות to Hashem in spending time and effort on Eisav. This is also what David requested (Tehillim 27:4), “One thing I asked of Hashem, that I should sit in the house of Hashem all the days of my life”, that nothing should interfere with his closeness to Hashem.
